Is your relationship doomed? It might be if contempt runs rampant. Contempt is the best predictor of divorce.
How to avoid being contemptuous toward your spouse:
- Avoid sarcasm (comments like, “I’ll bet you do!” or “Oh, that was super funny” in a sneery tone of voice).
- Avoid body language that often goes along with sarcasm or can simply stand alone as a response (e.g., rolling your eyes, smirking one side of your cheek into a dimple). These are actually cross-cultural signals of contempt.
- Don’t make “jokes” at the expense of your partner or make universal comments about his/her gender (again, usually accompanied by the gestures in #2).
Do instead:
- Focus your responses and interactions on yourself instead of your partner, describing your feelings and needs.
- Create a culture of appreciation in your relationship through positive interactions.
- Work on a positive habit of mind instead of scanning for the negative around you.
Why is it important to avoid contempt? Contempt, which is to put someone down and/or put yourself on a pedestal at the expense of another, is one of the best predictors of divorce all on its own. But, along with criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling, contempt can predict almost certain doom for any relationship. Contempt has also been linked to predicting the number of infectious illnesses the recipient will experience over a four-year period. Powerful stuff, just like battery acid!
